Welcome to another episode of Full Frontal Fatherhood. Today we got a doozy for you; how to have a baby and still have a sex life.
Sex is an important part of having a relationship with your partner. It’s a way of play, it’s a way to be intimate. If we don’t maintain the relationship with our partner, it becomes a lot more difficult to deal with the struggles that we have to deal with as parents.
Sex is a way for us as men to be intimate. We don’t know as many ways as women. We often don’t know how to get emotional support through talking and physical affection in the same way they do. Sex is our way of being close to somebody and it’s also for us an amazing experience of being received and being wanted. Without sex, we often end up feeling rejected, lonely, and even half of a man.
How to Save your Sex Life
1. Go and talk to your partner. Share these feelings as much as you can, explore what’s happening for you and go and talk to them. Not to guilt trip them into having sex with you, but just to talk to them, be intimate about your vulnerabilities. How it leaves you feeling more insecure that she doesn’t want you anymore and that she gives all of her attention to the baby. That sometimes it makes you angry. That it makes you lonely. Whatever it is that comes up for you.
It requires you being bold and strong and sharing those vulnerable feelings with your partner. That allows intimacy, that allows her to feel compassion, and for both of your together to feel motivated to have intimate time together.
2. Lower your bar. Women do not want to have anything to do with sex for often upwards of eight months after the birth. Imagine having someone on you all day sucking on your nipple. Then all of a sudden somebody else comes along and they have a sexual need? It’s really unappealing. You often have to go through a period where sex is not going to be a part of your life. Being able to talk to your partner in the midst of that makes a huge difference.
3. Give your partner space to be herself as an individual. Send her to the spa. Send her out with her friends. Give her regular time away from the children. It gives you the possibility of connecting and being intimate and bonding with the children, and it gives her the chance to feel herself as a separate individual which is necessary for her to want to connect with you. If she just feels merged entirely with the baby, she will be resistant to merging with you as well. She wants to unmerge and feel herself separate. If she has regular time to feel separate, there’s more chance that she’ll be interested in connecting with you on a physical level.
4. Take responsibility for your relationships sex life. You have to realize that it’s your responsibility, in most situations, to maintain the sex life in your relationship. Women simply don’t feel a sexual drive for often three to five years after the birth. It’s still, as I said, really important that you have that chance to connect and bond with your partner so that your relationship is still joyful and your children can experience the strong bond between you and your partner.
How do you make it your responsibility? As I said, there’s giving her space. There’s also finding out how it is that she likes it. How can you initiate in a way that works for her? If it isn’t, you’re just pestering her and making it more unattractive. How can you make it a nice environment where the house is clean? Them seeing you take care of things that they normally feel burdened by is a great relief and it causes them to be attracted to you. So clean the house. Give her time away. Do what you can so that she’ll want to have sex with you. And don’t expect her to initiate.
5. Have sex with your baby in the same room or possibly even the same bed with you and your partner. Otherwise it just may never happen as every time you get a chance the baby may interrupt. Yeah, it might feel a little strange, but it’s all about love. You love your baby, you love your wife. Maybe it’s not the time for crazy sex, but it is a chance to be really intimate and all of you to be there together. The baby on one side of the bed, and you and your partner there loving each other and feeling the wonderful intimacy that sex can provide.
With these five steps, you can have something of a sex life with your partner. First, talk with her about what’s going on for you and what’s going on for her. Second, lower your bar. Third, give her space to feel herself. Four, it’s your responsibility to maintain a sex life. Five, go ahead and have sex when your baby is nearby.
Thanks for joining me for another episode of Full Frontal Fatherhood. Please join us in the conversation below, there’s so much more to be said. Let’s keep it friendly and nice, this is hard stuff and we’re all doing our best. If you’re not already there, head over to FullFrontalFatherhood.com for a lot more videos, and if you like this videos please share with your friends.
Thanks for joining me, and I’ll see you next Friday for another episode.