1 Step for Dads to Foster more Sex

Today I’d like to talk to you, the men about how you can have more sex in your relationship. In a previous video, How to Have a Baby and Still Have Sex I talk about a number of key things that you can do to keep your sex life happening even while there’s a baby in the mix. Now, I want to key to fostering more physical intimacy throughout your children’s lives.

Studies have shown that although we as fathers are being far more engaged in providing childcare for our kids, we’ve become the fun parent. So often we are the one that steps in to play and be a goofball, but we are actually still leaving a very key component of the relationship in imbalance and that’s who is taking care of the home.

Research has also shown that we aren’t equally splitting the day to day responsibilities of running a family or dealing with the less fun aspects of parenting. We don’t actually have to split everything in our relationships down the middle in order to have a happy relationship, but it is imperative that we create a situation where there’s a sense of equity on both sides. Both people need to feel like they are contributing as much as they can and they feel like the other person is doing the same. If there’s a disparity it leads to resentment and it thus significantly decreases the sex drive.

When we do create for a situation where there is equity, then our partners feel a relief and they also feel impressed by what we’re doing. They’re happy that their man is such a good husband and they want us more.

Surprisingly, helping with house care statistically leads to us being happier, less likely to get diagnosed with some mental illness, less likely to become an alcoholic, and to even have a longer life. The good news is we’re not the only ones who benefit! Lending a hand with housework also leads to our wives having all those improvements as well as our kids. And as I said, it also leads to more physical and emotional intimacy because there is less tension and more appreciation.

If you’re anything like me, telling myself “Okay, I’ve got to go sweep the floor more,” doesn’t last for more than one or three weeks. Pretty soon it’s back to that old level. What actually leads to me changing is when I think about what it’s like for my partner. What’s it like for her that she is having to do more? In thinking this way, I am not trying to guilt myself into helping or make myself feel bad. I am simply acknowledging, “Hey, there’s a disparity here and I’d like to do something about that.” Coming from this heartfelt position breeds real care and compassion. Both of which lead to last changes in behavior.

When we can feel this true desire to have our partners be happier and we change our actions as a result, our wives feel us caring and see us stepping up. This is quite endearing and attractive and statistically proves to lead to a significant amount more sex.  When we do more of the laundry or deal with the tantrumming kid, they feel less on their own. The resulting increased sense of partnership leads to emotional intimacy and thus desire for physical contact.

Good sex fills everyone with the love and connection that makes the challenges of parenting much easier. But we can’t expect our partners to simply respond to our requests when they already have the kids and their changing hormones pulling them in different directions. Fostering a relationship where both of you feel good about the split of responsibilities greatly increases the space necessary for these wonderful moments of intimacy.

Thank you. I’ll see you next time for another episode of Full Frontal Fatherhood.

-Julian Redwood, MFT